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S
a i d - R e c o u n t e d - T r u e
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| If
I was to have an exhibition of my work, I'd have a confessional
box built off to one
side and invite people to tell me their sins. Once they had confessed,
I'd tell them
'I've nothing to say'... but to go forth and sin some more' ...................................nab
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| Once
I was in Paris, down in the metro at midnight, at the time there
had been a
lot of muggings there. I was stood at the far end of the platform
and decided to check
my remaining holiday finances in my wallet. Suddenly I Iooked up
from counting my
francs, and there, were two guys giving me the once over. I thought
'oh shit' here we
go. They started pointing at my wallet and ranting aggressively
in French. The money
I had was just enough to get me home, and I was not about to give
it up easily.
Having boxed in my youth, the training came in handy,and remembering
the words of
my coach, ' when you punch for the head, don't punch at the face,
but 6" behind the
head.' I floored one of my assailants. The other grabbed me from
behind and shouted
in my ear 'POLICE is that your wallet!'.......................................................pedley
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When
the questioning youth died out, frustration came alive..............................reg
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I
was going out with a boy when I was 17, I really fancied him and
wanted him to be my first, and confronted him with the fact. He
said 'I was afraid this might come up'...
'I can't' he told me
'Why?' I asked
'Because I have premature ejaculation.' he said.
I didn't know what it meant, but it seemed like no excuse, so I
left him..........emmer
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| One
evening I invited a few friends over for dinner and decided to prepare
something
a little exotic. The dish included some hot chillies...As I was
chopping them I made
the mistake of scratching myself 'down below'.
A few moments later my groin was burning with pain. I tried pouring
water on the
area, but that only made things worse. In a desperate attempt to
quell the pain I drank a large quantity of Scotch. Suddenly the
phone rang...It was an international
business caller from South Africa. I did my best to concentrate
my mind on foreign
affairs through the alcohol and scorching pain in my pants.
'So in other words, you were pissed, on the phone, with your dick
on fire'............nab
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| What's
this music on the radio? It sounds like something... maybe it's
this it sounds like.............................................................................................................joyce
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| When
I drink I'm paralysed' said sniff
'Don't you mean paralytic' reg replied
'What's the difference?' said sniff
'Paralytic can mean very drunk and unable to function normally.
Where as paralysed means the whole of your central system has been
damaged and you can hardly move at all' said reg
'Yep that's the one!' said sniff...........................................................................nab
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| It's
better to have a scab on your knob than on your throat' said sniff
'Who said that?' asked reg
'I did... didn't you here me?' said sniff...............................................................nab
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My
nephew Luke had so much fun one Christmas preparing for, and appearing
in his school nativity play, he actually became quite obsessed with
the story.
One night my sister was talking to Luke about something that had
happened when she was still pregnant with his brother Joe. For a
moment he remained deep in thought, then said,
'Was that the time before you went for a ride on the donkey?'.......................emmer
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It's
amazing when something stops you in your tracks......and you're
not even moving...........................................................................................................reg
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| I'm
splitting up with my girlfriend'
'Why?'
'I don't think she's great in bed'
'But did she laugh at your penis'
'No!'
'Then she's a good woman'..............................................................................nab
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I
was
at this party last night and this girl was whining on about how much
she disliked the smell of alcohol.
'Me neither I said....I just drink it....maybe you should do the same.'.................malc
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Delia,
bloody Delia stands there on TV with pan full of dead bodies with
a sullen nonsensical look on her face.
'Put a little bit here, chop a little bit there'
I'd love to stand over her while she slept and wring blood out of
a corpse singing,
'Wakey wakey breakfast in bed!'......................................................................nab
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The
changing season
:
My pants are brown
I pull them down
'Tis the season of winter
Hence I shed my pants.................................................................................malc
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It's
rare you find a woman with nice feet, most woman's feet get distorted
by high heels or tight shoes. Annie had such nice feet, Annie had
wonderful feet. I used to go round to her place when she was still
married to Rod. She knew I was crazy about her pedal extremities
and used to taunt me with them.'
'You mean she'd let the heel of her shoe fall off and balance it
on the tip of her toe...that sort of thing?'
'Yeah
not only that she'd sit there painting her nails bright red...I
had them in my mouth once...but nail varnish tastes so bloody awful'.........................................nab
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When
I'm working in the darkroom with all the chemicals out in trays, I
can feel this rising heat, then I look in the mirror and my face is
blood red and I'm sweating like a pig.' said sniff
'I know what you mean, next time I print I'm going to wear one of
those face masks you can buy to combat the fumes.' said reg
'I've got a couple actually.' said sniff
'Why don't you wear them?' asked reg
'Because they give me a hard on'.....................................................................nab
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Back
in the 80's I was living in a huge house with at least eight students,
one of which was my girl friend, Jane. It was summertime and my
French friend Pascal had come to visit me. I had not seen him
for years so he was curious to know about my latest squeeze.
Soon after I had introduced him to Jane he asked her what she
was studying at university.
'I'm studying psychology' she said
'Oh really' he said 'I 'ave studied 'zis as well at school...wat
in particular?' asked Pascal
'Freud' said Jane
'Floyd?' Pascal said looking confused.
'No Freud' said Jane
'Floyd?...Pink Floyd?' said an even more confused Pascal
'No FREUD... you know... Hysteria!' said Jane getting slightly
hysterical herself,
'HIS WHAT?' said Pascal.................................................................................reg
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